Corporate American Whore

Posted on by

The basis of all humanity can be traced back to one thing. It’s the root of all actions; the source of all demise and unrest. It makes good men go bad, tears nations and families apart, and can drive us all to do unspeakable things, especially around Christmas. It’s not religion. It’s money–of which all things are driven for and to and because of.

And let me tell you something. It’s pure freaking evil.

I work a corporate job where I sit at a desk and get paid way more money than managers of retail establishments do. I work 40+ hours a week for this company’s goals, benchmarks, and bottom line. I’m giving them my blood, sweat, and tears for their product and their company vision. Sure, I get paid decently (relatively), sure I have benefits, but to what cost of my soul?

I want to pursue writing full-time and be an activist for child abuse victims. My dream is to be an established columnist and blogger while also campaigning for child abuse prevention and interaction in various ways. However, to do this, I must have a lot of free time on my hands. I need the time and energy to devote to these two passions, after also taking care of a toddler, going to school online, and having worked 9 hours in a day. To me, the least of these things to make me happy, and the first I consider giving up, is my job.

It’s not that I hate working in the insurance billing industry. It’s not that I just hate the confines of my stupid office while being forced to interact with co-workers who have no social skills. It’s not that my bosses have no idea what they’re doing and treat us like sweatshop workers. I simply have better things to care about. I have my own dreams and they do not involve rotting away in corporate hell while I’m being taxed to death,while health insurance premiums rise every year, while inflation increases, the cost of living goes up, too, wages barely, if at all, rises–all while I’m expected to pump out maximum efficiency and productivity with a smile on my face. Sorry, corporate America, but I have bigger fish to fry.

Yes, and while I’m doing that, I’m still going to need money. As liberating as it sounds to just let all my bills go to hell, there are certain necessities that will nag at you. Gas for your car, cell phone costs, internet bill, nutritional requirements for your 1 year old son. Although you could argue that a few of these things are overrated or unnecessary (didn’t I feed Alex last week?), you still can’t live without money. One could argue that you disappear to the woods. But what’s the point of sticking it to the man if you’re shacked up in the forest? The point is to stick it to the man so I can go do what I want.

It’s a catch-22: I want to be my own boss, but to be my own boss, I need money to sustain my lifestyle. To make money, I need a job. The job I want is to be my own boss. I feel trapped where I’m at. However, there are some alternatives…

Options are:

  1. Saving up butt-tons of cash and then quitting to focus entirely on my dreams, living off that until I eventually strike gold.
  2. Working part-time at some crappy job while drawing government assistance for the rest (nothing says stick it to the man like joining in on the fun).
  3. Starting an in-home daycare or an eBay business
  4. Becoming an actual prostitute instead of a metaphorical one

You’ve probably spotted a few obvious problems inherent in these proposed solutions, but I’ll enumerate them anyway.

  1. It is a huge risk to live off saved money with absolutely no money coming in. It gives me the luxury of time, but the gamble is that I do not know when I’d have a satisfactory income. Realistically, it’ll be years, not months.
  2. A part-time job would likely end up being a waitressing gig or a retail gig, neither of which would make me happy. Sure, I would have more time, but I would likely be more stressed. And that seems a little counterproductive. This option is not ruled out though if I found something like a receptionist job that only wanted a part-time worker.
  3. An in-home daycare would need a home as a starting point. I don’t live in my own home, so I would need a partner. An eBay business is something I’ve revisited several times, but the investment of time and money (and inventory) up front would probably be more trouble than I’m willing to put into it. I’d have to get it going before quitting my job and I just don’t have the will to do that right now.

None of these options are completely off the table. I don’t know what I’m waiting for. I’m not getting any younger and things aren’t getting any easier. My best bet scenario would be to do something similar to my actual goal while also working on my writing, etc. I have been valiantly applying for freelance writing and blogging jobs, along with various other telecommuting/stay-at-home gigs. If I can’t persevere on my own personal fortitude, maybe I can piggyback on someone else’s coattails until I get myself going. At least I’d be out of the corporate web while building up my dreams.

So many options, still not enough time, plenty of dreams, and a deep-seated hatred of money. Just some things I’m thinking of. If anyone needs a business partner, let me know.

Popular Cliches and Why They Suck

Posted on by

I use a lot of cliches. Sometimes, they are appropriate, but usually, they are overused and ineffective.  Here is a sampling of some bad cliches that get under my skin. I bring logic, fierce wit, and, of course, a little self-righteousness, to tear these apart.

“Quitting Cold Turkey” – Hey! I happen to like cold turkey.

“Don’t do the crime, if you can’t do the time.” - Well, people don’t commit crimes because they don’t think they can do the time. They commit them because they think they can get away with it.

“It’s always darkest before the dawn.” - Sure, this means that it’s going to get worse before it gets better, or brighter days are just around the corner, but factually, it’s just as dark right before dawn as it is at any other time. Midnight, 2 AM, 4 AM–all the same amount of darkness.

“He’s in a better place now.” – If you want to comfort a grieving friend, don’t say this. It absolutely, 100% of the time does not help. A simple “I’m here for you” or “I love you so much” are appropriate.

“I’m so sorry for your loss.” – See above. It’s just overused, even if you’re being sincere. Say the same thing only differently, “My deepest sympathy to you and yours; may he rest in peace.” That’s a little better. Actually, it’s better to offer a meal or a hand around the house than words. A hug is nice, too.

“I could care less.” - Actually, you couldn’t. If you’re truly that apathetic, you are already at your lowest level of caring.

“Have a good day!” – Retail employees are admonished to say it, cordial co-workers feel obligated to say it, loved ones automatically say it. We all say it; but do we mean it? Even if you do, the weight of your intent is trumped by the triteness of your expression. Again, I do it, too. I have no solutions here.

“It’s plain to see.” – If one more poem or song uses this, I will simply have to kill someone. Although, what bearing does their ineffective word usage have on me? None. But words are all I have. Well, that and mac and cheese. God forbid we run out of mac or cheese.

“It takes one to know one.” – No, it just takes an intelligent, keen observer. Idiot.

“I was told” – This is less of a cliche and more of just an overused, annoying phrase that I hear a lot, especially at work (a la, “I was told we don’t do it like that anymore”). It takes the blame and responsibility off your shoulders by passively re-directing the source of your actions or thoughts. It makes it sound like someone else should be responsible for what you do or believe, which is totally inaccurate, as long as people still have capable minds and free will. Start taking responsibility, and stop saying that “you were told”.

“It goes without saying.” – Who has ever, EVER said this in the history of all mankind and language without still saying?

“I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I’m not.” – None of the people who quote this actually mean it. It’s usually insecure high school girls who are trying to justify the fact that some idiot guy ignores her. I’m just going to stop there because I could dissect this one for paragraphs.

“Good things come to those who wait.” – Not always. Usually, good things come to those who lie, cheat, and steal. But in the interest of being more positive: good things come to those who work hard. Mediocre things come to those who wait. Or nothing at all comes to those who wait.

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” – So, if my boss is being irrational or ignorant (let’s just say), I’m supposed to…go make lemonade? Oh, it’s a metaphor; I’m supposed to make the most of it. What if I were to get a different job? I guess that would be like taking the lemons and throwing them at your boss? I don’t know, I suck at making metaphors.

“Three’s a crowd” - I always thought that was a good thing. You know, “the more the merrier”. But whatever. I don’t exactly like a crowd, but if someone says to me, upon my joining their twosome, “three’s a crowd”, I’d be like, “alright, we’re set then!”

“Keep your nose to the grindstone.” – Ew. That sounds gruesome.

“A watched pot never boils.” – Well sure it does. Your triteness does not affect science. Come up with a better way to say “be patient” or “find something productive to do while you wait”. How about, “be patient” or “find something productive to do while you wait”? Should I re-phrase this in the form of another metaphor? I already told you I’m no good at them.

“Dead as a doornail.” – Alliteration aside, this is irrelevant because doornails are neither alive nor dead because they are inanimate objects. How about “dead as a dead person”? Oh, I guess that doesn’t have quite the same analogical component since you’re comparing death to death. Welp, I’ve got nothing then.

“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” – You’d actually just float in the continuum of space, but I see your point. Metaphorically though this is poor because if you’re desiring to become a doctor and you don’t make good enough grades, you’ll likely just end up in a nursing home wiping butts. Does that sound like the stars to you?

“Rules are made to be broken.” – If you’re an anarchist, you may be able to rationalize this one. Even if you’re just a rebellious teenager, you might say this to justify breaking into a teacher’s desk to get test answers. But anyone who actually makes rules does not want them to be broken.

“The bottom fell out.” - This is a poor euphemism for raining because, to us, the sky is the top. Would it not make just as much sense to say, “the top fell through”?

“You only live once.” – And what about those who believe in reincarnation? Do they say, “well, we’re gonna get a do-over if we screw this up”?

“The greatest thing since sliced bread.” – Oh, so nothing that has been invented since sliced bread is worthy enough to replace this expression? It’s been 100 years. I’m pretty sure we can move on.

“Winning isn’t everything.”/”It’s not who wins or loses, it’s how you play the game.” False. Winning is the entire point of playing. If you wanted to just exercise your skills, go practice. Hippie.

“Today is my Friday.” – Again, false. Today is your Thursday, just like everyone else; you just took Friday off. Is it not as exciting to say, “I’m off tomorrow!”? Sounds exciting to me.

“White in color.” – Describing any object by saying the color and then saying “in color” is completely pointless and incredibly stupid. You don’t sound smarter and you don’t sound more descriptive. “It’s a red 1999 Pontiac Sunfire.” Well, yes, red is a color, but I’m having trouble understanding if you mean that it’s red in color or in diameter. Please specify.


Grown Up Thoughts on Nick Jr. Programming

Posted on by

After a year of watching Nick Jr, I can’t help but being analytical and critical of the shows and their storylines. I get bored.

1. Max and Ruby’s parents are never around. Sure, their grandmother is sometimes, but generally, they run a-muck all by themselves. Also, Ruby has a tendency to be negative and discouraging to her little brother. Someone needs to parent her.

2.  The Backyardigans are legitimately cool. For the songs alone, this show is enjoyable for adults. Their version of the “12 Days of Christmas” was surprisingly amazing. And don’t try to crush my review by saying it’s autotuned and studio formulated. Of course it is! But it’s still wonderfully crafted.

3. How can Lenny of The Wonder Pets be a girl? I appreciate that this female character is the leader of the group and does not adhere to typical female stereotypes like wearing pink or being cutesy and girly, but at the same time, Lenny (the hamster) is a little butch. It’s sending confusing messages.

4.Team Umizoomi could probably get more done if they would stop screwing around. It seems that in every episode I see, the team stops so often to practice their math skills or learn shapes that they get critically sidetracked from their mission. It’s just bad time management skills. Umifail.

5. There is no one that could appear on Yo Gabba Gabba that would surprise me. I don’t care if it’s Mike Tyson or Charlie Sheen or the Pope. They’ve already had Jack Black, the Roots, and My Chemical Romance, to name a few. Guest starring is a good career move for anyone; everyone loves this show. Personally, I find all of the characters annoying (they are over the top and obnoxious), save for the one human, DJ Lance Rock. It takes a real secure black man to play a DJ on a kid’s show.

6. Without Steve, Blue’s Clues is straight crap. Steve was a total dork. But he was so genuine and so good at the role. Joe is just plain retarded. No offense out there. It’s just, I don’t believe him; I can tell he’s acting. And he’s being a condescending ass most of the time, not a true child-like, sincere person like Steve. By the way, Steve never overdosed on drugs or anything. He voluntarily quit in 2002.