Since I was 14, it has been brought to my attention that I am not the most graceful person in conversation. In fact, I’m downright weird and awkward. Few people appreciate it and even fewer actually like it about me. For people who don’t fit into the social norm, there is ridicule, mockery, and overall disdain. If you want to be part of this illustrious group of people, here’s your guide on how to be socially awkward.
1. Make Facetious Comments at Inappropriate Times
If you are in any type of social setting and wish to a) impress someone, b) seem cool, and/or c) want to fit in, then definitely make as many sardonic remarks and ill-timed jokes as possible. Go ahead and tell the VP of Operations at your company that you’re “not burned out yet!” when he asks how you like your job. Jokingly tell your crush, whom you barely know, that you’re into some kinky shit. If you want to feel awkward and make other people feel uncomfortable, too, then inappropriate joking is the way to go.
2. Develop Cool Nervous Habits
I like to make club music (like this). I like to dance (like this). I like to make random, stupid, and usually unimportant observations. Just because. It can be really annoying and off-putting because you don’t always have to fill the silence or say something entertaining. People will find you socially awkward if you do this consistently. So develop your own weird nervous habit, talk about inane things, and do anything that pretty much sets you apart from normal, socially adept beings.
3. Believe That You’re the Only One Who Feels a Certain Way
New social situations can be daunting. The rapid heart beat, fear of the unknown, uncertainty about what to say–and then there’s the vomiting. The best way to increase your awkwardness though is to believe that you’re the only one who feels uncomfortable and nervous in a new situation. By magnifying your own fears and insecurities, your brain will make you feel even more awkward, even if you don’t come across that way to the other person (because your brain can be kind of a douchebag). Thus, your movements will actually become more uncoordinated and unnatural, your jokes will be less funny as you try too hard, and the random, stupid things you say will become even more absurd and annoying.
4. Make Unnecessary Insults
Awkward folks sometimes make insulting remarks to try to a) display our intelligence, b) be funny, c) be a douchebag, because that’s cool and edgy. Anybody jerk-off can conjure up cool, witty remarks, but t takes a true awkward moron to clock in at a tepid 4 on the hilarious scale while ripping on the slightest of annoyances. Go ahead and mock every, single passenger that gets off an airplane. Loudly rant about the injustice of not having napkins in your to-go order from McDonald’s. Act superior toward homeless people (I mean, not to their face–you’re awkward, remember?). The point is to be a douche because you’re awkward and don’t otherwise know how to interact in daily situations.
5. Pretend Other People Don’t Exist
It’s often very convenient to just flat out ignore everyone. When you’re in the grocery store, it becomes tiresome to constantly apologize to people, excuse yourself, and shimmy on past them to reach the $4.99 smoked honey ham. Also a drag, when you’re accidentally walking side-by-side with some stranger at the mall, avoiding eye contact, and you realize they are blocking the entrance to Lane Bryant. Next time, act like you completely and wholly do not care about the ham or the stretchy, full coverage khakis, and either change directions, stop abruptly to look at some item that you do not need at all, or pretend to get a text. Then, once the person has passed, go for the gold! Awkwardness 101.