How to Be the Girl That Every Guy Wants

Based on a lifetime of rejection, personal observation, lonely bitterness, and magazine advice columns.

1. Dress Like an Attention-Seeking Strumpet

We all know it. If you want a boyfriend, you have to wear a skirt. Men aren’t going to notice your intellect from across the room; throw out a clue with a short mini-skirt and a cute top. Nothing says “love me for my mind” like showing some leg. Plus, nothing shows your self-respect and confidence like nearly showing everyone your boobs and ass, while wearing 5 inch hooker heels and 18 lbs of makeup. You’re such a strong, smart, fierce woman! An outfit from Forever 21 will be sure to prove it.

2. Let Him Be in Charge

It’s a well-known fact that guys hate independent women because it makes them feel emasculated and inferior. In order to coddle his delicate ego, make sure your crush always knows that he’s the man in the relationship. Men get to make all the important decisions, like what to eat for dinner, you moving in with him, and your career choices. You no longer have to worry about thinking for yourself or having an original thought–you have a man to do all that for you. And just toss out those hopes and dreams of yours; you won’t need those once you’re in a relationship.

3. Get in Touch with Your Inner Flirtatious Bimbo

How will he know you’re interested unless you make it super, incredibly obvious? Once you get the conversation going, make sure to tilt your head to the side, smile big and bright, nod along to everything he says, and do the noodle leg (always have one leg that you don’t put all your weight on, making your body language seem more submissive). Laugh at all his dumb jokes to make him feel funny and confident. Comment on every single thing about him, from his wardrobe (OMG do you shop at Derps R Us, too??), to his dimples (lol I LOVE dimples, for real!), to the fact that he looks like he could be on an MTV reality show (You TOTALLY remind me of Pauly D LOL!). Anything to keep the conversation–and your fake, obnoxious laughter–going. Wow! What a co-inkydink!! You both have hair! It’s real love.

4. Be Just Like Him

Forget that you wanted to be a nurse or photographer, forget your personal beliefs on religion or war, forget your own habits and thoughts. Once you even meet someone you like, embrace his tastes in music, movies, and foods; mimic his demeanor and behaviors; use his jokes; adopt his political views, and even copy the inflection of his voice. It’s so cute to not just want to emulate him, but really be completely like him. It makes you look like a total mindless drone, but hey, who cares? You’re trying to be in a relationship. Where you don’t just compromise and collaborate, you totally conform to be just like them.

5. Do the Dishes

You’re not a true potential wife if you’re not domestic. Make sure he knows that once you two are married, you will be in charge of all the laundry, the dishes, and the house cleaning. It’s the traditional female role and always has been. Meanwhile, he’s supposed to be the provider. It’s in the Bible. Man goes to work, makes the money, makes the decisions; wife stays home to cook and clean and take care of babies. It says so in Romans somewhere. No need to complicate things now with your cute little feminism and political talk and free will. If you don’t take this role, then you will just never be married! And no woman should risk that.