Part hilarious, part frightening, and part downright weird. The freaks and losers of the dating world supply a never-ending pool of bad ideas for dating. If you want to send your possible future partner running for the hills, then definitely follow the advice below.
Read Part I here: Bad Dating Advice.
1. Talk about Yourself. Like, A Lot
There’s nothing wrong with sharing information about yourself. After all, how will your love interest learn anything about you? However, if you want to date badly, you’ll need to talk about yourself a lot more. Like, only about yourself. If your date makes a comment about how she would love to go to Paris, loudly proclaim, “Oh, Paris. I’ve totally been to Paris. It’s awesome. Not as good as Germany though.” If she talks about how she is getting on a new exercise program, you should then interject, “I work out all the time. I’m working on my biceps tomorrow. I also like to sweat. Sweating is the sign of a true warrior.” The point is to make everything about you, if you want to date like an a-hole, that is.
2. Insult Everyone Around You
If you want to show your date how cool and superior you are, you must make fun of people. No matter where you are, no matter if they are complete strangers or close friends, be sure to display your self-confidence by putting others down. I talked about this in a different article, How to Be Socially Awkward, but it works even better in dating. The couple at the next table? Completely inexplicable! He’s so ugly and she’s so hot! Your best friend? Total retard! You’re just friends for the weed! Your own mother? Idiot bimbo! She conceived you in the back of a pickup at a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert! Nothing says “I’m secure with myself” more than judging everyone else. After all, you’re perfect!
3. Text While They Are Talking
Okay, so I usually write these from the perspective of a guy being the one to do everything wrong, even though girls can do the exact same things. One that we are guilty of though, probably more often than our male counterparts, is texting. Being on your phone at all distracts you from your date and makes you seem rude, immature, and annoying. It makes you look bad because you are more interested in whatever is on your phone instead of engaging in a conversation with someone. Sure, you may be listening, sure you may be able to hold your weight in the conversation, but it’s plain bad manners and most men would agree it’s a huge turn off. So yeah, if you don’t want a boyfriend, then text for the majority of your date.
4. Act Like You Don’t Give A Damn
When one human agrees to go on a date with another human, the response is generally that of enthusiasm and a desire to make a good impression. But who said you actually have to show your interest in being there, especially if your date isn’t that attractive? In fact, make it blatantly obvious that you don’t give a crap what they think by failing to keep eye contact, keeping your arms crossed, looking around distractedly while they tell their important life story, and giving insightful responses, like, “yeah” or “mmhmm”. You may simply have poor manners (another good way to date poorly in of itself), you may just be nervous, or maybe you just think the other person’s a troll. Whatever the reason, your date surely will understand that you couldn’t be bothered to give a fuck.
5. Be Unemployed and Unmotivated
A good way to run someone off, especially a girl, is to be a complete douchebag. Being 29, living with your mom, not having a job or any goals, is a HUGE turn on! Smoking pot all day and drinking every night is much more attractive than monetary value or, well, personal value. Who needs integrity when you have a roommate to score you a gram and a woman who does your dishes? You may be able to con some poor girl into a date merely based on charm and your failure to divulge anything about your life. But she’s bound to find out at some point that you have absolutely nothing going for you. If this isn’t currently your life path, but you want to ruin more dates, definitely quit your job, forget any future goals, and move to a trailer park to mooch off some relative or other idiot.
Stay tuned. My next post will focus on the no-nos of relationships!