5. How to Be Silly Again

Grown-ups are usually no fun. We work, we behave, we do boring things like send stuff to the IRS. However, one of the greatest things about being a child is the carefree joy of not knowing that crap. There’s a time and a place for being nicely groomed and having etiquette, but not every moment needs to be treated like a formal dinner with the Queen. Alex has taught me to let loose. Dance in the living room again, make silly faces, run around like crazy, no matter who is watching. Sometimes we get too stuck on how to “act in public” or about “who is watching”, when really that doesn’t matter at all.

Ridin’ Dirty

4. Having Patience

This is a big one. I’m quick to react. I sometimes react badly, and I don’t like sitting still when I could do something. So, when he’s putting tampons in the toilet or mashing food into the couch, it’s hard not to pull my hair out and scream like a mad woman. However, I’ve learned that there really are more important things to life than the cleanest couch or the cleanest kid or sanity. He’s just being himself and that’s what’s important. As long as he’s not in danger and what he’s doing isn’t going to cause a huge boo-boo on something, I ignore it and do something that I want to do instead.

Alex and tampon, right before throwing it in the toilet

3. The Benefits of Chilling Out

I used to always be in a hurry. My mornings always felt rushed and, as a result, I was always in a bad mood because I couldn’t get to work early. I’ve learned to accept though the reality that I will not make it to work at 7:00 am, that it will take 40 minutes to get ready, no matter what we do differently, and things just aren’t going to go smoothly. I’m living with a toddler; life is chaos by definition. It’s much better to embrace the circumstances in this instance than try to change them. I roll with the punches now, by choice.

2. The Joy of Discovery

Ever seen a child’s face when they figure out how to roll over? How to push the buttons on something and make a noise? How to take every single thing out of your purse, hide your keys, and destroy your eye shadow? The amazing simplicity of these small tasks are a giant accomplishment for babies and young toddlers. As they learn to do new things, it’s the most wonderful thing for them–and you will find yourself getting so excited about it. I’ve never been so happy about anyone being able to repeat the word “ball” or point to his nose or clap his hands. Basic things to us, but to someone who is learning how to do them for the first time, it reminds you just how fantastic every day life and simple things can be.

1. Loving Unconditionally

As a first time parent, especially before I was even pregnant, I highly doubted my ability to love anyone more than I loved my dad’s miniature yorkie, Toty. Even while carrying Alex for 9 months, I was hesitant about love and bonding. Not to be cliche, but when I first held his gooey, gross, after-birth covered, tiny body and looked into his bright brown eyes, I realized that it’s possible for even me. He was not capable of doing anything but crap, cry, eat, and sleep, but I was going to do whatever I can to give him everything he could ever need or want.

Alex, sans after-birth

My love continues to grow as I watch him and guide him through what has been the first 2 years of his life. He doesn’t understand an abstract concept like love yet because it’s not a bite-bite or outside or Papa. But he knows what it feels like and he will always know what it feels like. Here’s to love, forever.

1. Talk about Yourself. Like, A Lot

There’s nothing wrong with sharing information about yourself. After all, how will your love interest learn anything about you? However, if you want to date badly, you’ll need to talk about yourself a lot more. Like, only about yourself. If your date makes a comment about how she would love to go to Paris, loudly proclaim, “Oh, Paris. I’ve totally been to Paris. It’s awesome. Not as good as Germany though.” If she talks about how she is getting on a new exercise program, you should then interject, “I work out all the time. I’m working on my biceps tomorrow. I also like to sweat. Sweating is the sign of a true warrior.” The point is to make everything about you, if you want to date like an a-hole, that is.

2. Insult Everyone Around You

If you want to show your date how cool and superior you are, you must make fun of people. No matter where you are, no matter if they are complete strangers or close friends, be sure to display your self-confidence by putting others down. I talked about this in a different article, How to Be Socially Awkward, but it works even better in dating. The couple at the next table? Completely inexplicable! He’s so ugly and she’s so hot! Your best friend? Total retard! You’re just friends for the weed! Your own mother? Idiot bimbo! She conceived you in the back of a pickup at a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert! Nothing says “I’m secure with myself” more than judging everyone else. After all, you’re perfect!

3. Text While They Are Talking

Okay, so I usually write these from the perspective of a guy being the one to do everything wrong, even though girls can do the exact same things. One that we are guilty of though, probably more often than our male counterparts, is texting. Being on your phone at all distracts you from your date and makes you seem rude, immature, and annoying. It makes you look bad because you are more interested in whatever is on your phone instead of engaging in a conversation with someone. Sure, you may be listening, sure you may be able to hold your weight in the conversation, but it’s plain bad manners and most men would agree it’s a huge turn off. So yeah, if you don’t want a boyfriend, then text for the majority of your date.

4. Act Like You Don’t Give A Damn

When one human agrees to go on a date with another human, the response is generally that of enthusiasm and a desire to make a good impression. But who said you actually have to show your interest in being there, especially if your date isn’t that attractive? In fact, make it blatantly obvious that you don’t give a crap what they think by failing to keep eye contact, keeping your arms crossed, looking around distractedly while they tell their important life story, and giving insightful responses, like, “yeah” or “mmhmm”. You may simply have poor manners (another good way to date poorly in of itself), you may just be nervous, or maybe you just think the other person’s a troll. Whatever the reason, your date surely will understand that you couldn’t be bothered to give a fuck.

5. Be Unemployed and Unmotivated

A good way to run someone off, especially a girl, is to be a complete douchebag. Being 29, living with your mom, not having a job or any goals, is a HUGE turn on! Smoking pot all day and drinking every night is much more attractive than monetary value or, well, personal value. Who needs integrity when you have a roommate to score you a gram and a woman who does your dishes? You may be able to con some poor girl into a date merely based on charm and your failure to divulge anything about your life. But she’s bound to find out at some point that you have absolutely nothing going for you. If this isn’t currently your life path, but you want to ruin more dates, definitely quit your job, forget any future goals, and move to a trailer park to mooch off some relative or other idiot.

Stay tuned. My next post will focus on the no-nos of relationships!

1. Dress Like an Attention-Seeking Strumpet

We all know it. If you want a boyfriend, you have to wear a skirt. Men aren’t going to notice your intellect from across the room; throw out a clue with a short mini-skirt and a cute top. Nothing says “love me for my mind” like showing some leg. Plus, nothing shows your self-respect and confidence like nearly showing everyone your boobs and ass, while wearing 5 inch hooker heels and 18 lbs of makeup. You’re such a strong, smart, fierce woman! An outfit from Forever 21 will be sure to prove it.

2. Let Him Be in Charge

It’s a well-known fact that guys hate independent women because it makes them feel emasculated and inferior. In order to coddle his delicate ego, make sure your crush always knows that he’s the man in the relationship. Men get to make all the important decisions, like what to eat for dinner, you moving in with him, and your career choices. You no longer have to worry about thinking for yourself or having an original thought–you have a man to do all that for you. And just toss out those hopes and dreams of yours; you won’t need those once you’re in a relationship.

3. Get in Touch with Your Inner Flirtatious Bimbo

How will he know you’re interested unless you make it super, incredibly obvious? Once you get the conversation going, make sure to tilt your head to the side, smile big and bright, nod along to everything he says, and do the noodle leg (always have one leg that you don’t put all your weight on, making your body language seem more submissive). Laugh at all his dumb jokes to make him feel funny and confident. Comment on every single thing about him, from his wardrobe (OMG do you shop at Derps R Us, too??), to his dimples (lol I LOVE dimples, for real!), to the fact that he looks like he could be on an MTV reality show (You TOTALLY remind me of Pauly D LOL!). Anything to keep the conversation–and your fake, obnoxious laughter–going. Wow! What a co-inkydink!! You both have hair! It’s real love.

4. Be Just Like Him

Forget that you wanted to be a nurse or photographer, forget your personal beliefs on religion or war, forget your own habits and thoughts. Once you even meet someone you like, embrace his tastes in music, movies, and foods; mimic his demeanor and behaviors; use his jokes; adopt his political views, and even copy the inflection of his voice. It’s so cute to not just want to emulate him, but really be completely like him. It makes you look like a total mindless drone, but hey, who cares? You’re trying to be in a relationship. Where you don’t just compromise and collaborate, you totally conform to be just like them.

5. Do the Dishes

You’re not a true potential wife if you’re not domestic. Make sure he knows that once you two are married, you will be in charge of all the laundry, the dishes, and the house cleaning. It’s the traditional female role and always has been. Meanwhile, he’s supposed to be the provider. It’s in the Bible. Man goes to work, makes the money, makes the decisions; wife stays home to cook and clean and take care of babies. It says so in Romans somewhere. No need to complicate things now with your cute little feminism and political talk and free will. If you don’t take this role, then you will just never be married! And no woman should risk that.

What always intrigues me is how relationships work when they are so often full of passive-aggressive tension and snide remarks at dinner parties. Looking at couples who have been together for a year or more–the ones who constantly bicker and cause each other headaches, you have to wonder how they have managed not to kill one another. They make excuses: “well, that’s the way he is”, “pshh, women, you know how it is”, “that’s what marriage/relationships are all about”, or “you can’t ever change your husband, anyway”. Are you serious? I’ve heard numerous couples even say how much they love it when their significant other is away because they drive each other crazy when they’re together for more than a few hours. Yeah, who wants to spend time with their boyfriend or girlfriend anyway. They’re just annoying. The obvious question to me is: why marry them or live with them at all?

The sort of alarming thing to me though, if not just puzzling, is that these couples don’t think their relationship is dysfunctional; they think it’s totally normal. They think that’s what being in a relationship is about: compromising, arguing, borderline hating each other, getting on each others’ nerves, not being totally perfect for each other, but still getting by. They claim it works because they have their sweet moments. I’m sorry, but I’m not getting married to someone if I only have sweet MOMENTS. I kind of want a sweet marriage with a few tough moments. Most people settle for a tough marriage though with a few sweet moments. It blows my mind that people live this way. I guess they think they have no choice. Either that, or they are in denial, or think that life alone would be more miserable than a miserable marriage. Also, there’s the mitigating factor of loving one another. You may be deeply unhappy, but you love them too much to actually make a change for the better.

I realize it’s not that easy to walk away. I’ve been there myself. Love blinds you to the pain and makes you think it’s worth it. The very one you love so dearly is the very one who poisons you. It’s kind of ironic. But the reality is that incompatible couples are duking it out each day simply because they have different perspectives, different communication styles, different ways of showing affection and love. There is usually no right or wrong (speaking generally), it’s just a difference of personality. In that case, I feel like you should pick someone else. No matter how hard it is, no matter how much you love them, if you realize it’s not working just because you two are simply different, then it’s not worth it.

Maybe that’s just me, but in the past two years, since that debilitating breakup where I nearly lost all my principles just for “love”, I have dated and talked to plenty of potential partners. I’ve vetoed them all, too. Some of them are great guys. They are cool, fun to hang out with, good sense of humor, cute–but they’re not someone I could date. Whether it’s a difference in career goals or ambitions, difference in morals, difference in personal beliefs and perspectives, I have realized that there would be reasons for many fights and bitter comments in the future. I just want to be with someone who is similar enough to me that we don’t have to bitch at each other for everything and have a fight every other morning.

I wish other people realized they have a choice. Because the sad truth about bad relationships is that they will stay that way, usually. Don’t get me wrong: it’s your choice. I can’t tell anyone how to live their life and I’m not saying every couple that argues is in a bad relationship. I am saying that the fact is many people are stuck in a bad situation, they just can’t face it. They think it’s normal or they’re in denial. They don’t want to leave because that would hurt worse. They love the person. It’s just too hard. I feel for them and I sympathize, as I nod my head, and listen to their troubles.

I can’t help but think though, as I listen to the latest barrage of insults and why Bob is such a darn moron, that I’d rather die alone than be stuck in a bad relationship. Being single really isn’t so bad if you look at it like that. Ah, but to each his own…maybe I’m just a crazy revolutionary mind like that.

There’s tons of dating advice out there. Well, it all means shit. So here is what not to do. Or rather, what to do if you want to fail.

• Make A Short Story Long
  The beauty of conversation often lies in the succinctness of the delivery. If you want to be bad at conversation, turn every topic into a long story. Meandering, pointless, stupid stories. Even better if you can keep changing topics, mid-sentence, to into another convoluted, boring, and very stupid story. Not only will you suck at talking, you’ll suck at dating. Double win!

• Be Incredibly Dense Yet Incredibly Cocky
  Nothing tempers the annoyingness of arrogance like the even more annoyingness of ignorance. If you are both cocky and dense, you cannot maintain the attitude that you are awesome. Saying crap like, “I know you’re always thinking about me”, “haha, I’m so hot, I know”, or “Yeah, you’re pretty much in love with me now, right?” is stupid and childish, especially if you’re an idiot. You just aren’t that cool if you’re also so very, very dumb. If witty quips have to be explained to you, if contextual information has to be repeated in a simpler manner, if your date has to explain what “perpetual”, “spontaneous”, or “sardonic” means, then you probably need to back down off your conceited pedestal for awhile.

• Be Confident in Your Lack of Self-Confidence
  So maybe you’re not a cocky person. If you’re well-aware that you need help with your self-esteem, the best place to let that shine through is a date. Let your self-deprecating humor, your self-conscious nervous habits, and your awkward demeanor, developed as a reaction to zero self-confidence, be your guide as you show your date what a truly pathetic person you are. If they can’t tell that you should be in a therapy session instead of on a date, then you’re doing it wrong.

• Be the Only One Who Can Have an Opinion
  How can you be more right about life and win at everything? Be the only one who can have an opinion. Render any one else’s innocent thoughts or viewpoints stupid, pointless, irrelevant, or uneducated. You really don’t even need to support your perspective; just ridicule everyone else. Be loud, too. The louder you are, the more right you are.

• Talk about Your Ex
  Men and women alike love to hear about a potential partner’s past lovers. List all of your sexual conquests (in detail), incessantly talk about your ex and what they did wrong (and what they did right), and, if you really want to irritate them, compare your date to your ex, from where they are from to how they dress. The worst thing you can do though is to actually talk to your ex (or pretend to), while on a date. Constant texting, while creating a continuous dialogue about the person, will set a bad tone for the date and make you look like an asshole.

• Correct the Person’s Grammar
  Whether you are a stickler for the English language or not, you can easily put someone off by correcting them. You can really do this with anything, but grammar is a big sore spot for most people. If you are grammatically challenged and don’t know what to nitpick, use these three examples. 1) Using “me” as a subject when it should be “I”. “Kristen and me are going to the mall tonight” instead of “Kristen and I”. 2) Correct their use of “who” and always insist that it should be “whom”, even if you have no idea. 3) Watch for prepositions at the ends of sentences and mock them for it. It’s an obsolete and retarded rule borrowed from Latin, but some people still cling to it. A preposition would be “with”, “of”, “up”, “for” or “to” (just a few common ones), in case you’re wondering.

I hope these tips will help you fail miserably on your next date and potential relationship. This guide has certainly, unintentionally led me down many-a bad path and is one of the reasons why I’m single. Sure, it’s not just the bad manners and idiotic men; it’s also the fact that I am incredibly awesome and deserve someone just as awesome. Yes, I am employing the cocky/stupid tip. Now go out there and date badly!

1. Make Facetious Comments at Inappropriate Times

If you are in any type of social setting and wish to a) impress someone, b) seem cool, and/or c) want to fit in, then definitely make as many sardonic remarks and ill-timed jokes as possible. Go ahead and tell the VP of Operations at your company that you’re “not burned out yet!” when he asks how you like your job. Jokingly tell your crush, whom you barely know, that you’re into some kinky shit. If you want to feel awkward and make other people feel uncomfortable, too, then inappropriate joking is the way to go.

2. Develop Cool Nervous Habits

I like to make club music (like this). I like to dance (like this). I like to make random, stupid, and usually unimportant observations. Just because. It can be really annoying and off-putting because you don’t always have to fill the silence or say something entertaining. People will find you socially awkward if you do this consistently. So develop your own weird nervous habit, talk about inane things, and do anything that pretty much sets you apart from normal, socially adept beings.

3. Believe That You’re the Only One Who Feels a Certain Way

New social situations can be daunting. The rapid heart beat, fear of the unknown, uncertainty about what to say–and then there’s the vomiting. The best way to increase your awkwardness though is to believe that you’re the only one who feels uncomfortable and nervous in a new situation. By magnifying your own fears and insecurities, your brain will make you feel even more awkward, even if you don’t come across that way to the other person (because your brain can be kind of a douchebag). Thus, your movements will actually become more uncoordinated and unnatural, your jokes will be less funny as you try too hard, and the random, stupid things you say will become even more absurd and annoying.

4. Make Unnecessary Insults

Awkward folks sometimes make insulting remarks to try to a) display our intelligence, b) be funny, c) be a douchebag, because that’s cool and edgy. Anybody jerk-off can conjure up cool, witty remarks, but t takes a true awkward moron to clock in at a tepid 4 on the hilarious scale while ripping on the slightest of annoyances. Go ahead and mock every, single passenger that gets off an airplane. Loudly rant about the injustice of not having napkins in your to-go order from McDonald’s. Act superior toward homeless people (I mean, not to their face–you’re awkward, remember?). The point is to be a douche because you’re awkward and don’t otherwise know how to interact in daily situations.

5. Pretend Other People Don’t Exist

It’s often very convenient to just flat out ignore everyone. When you’re in the grocery store, it becomes tiresome to constantly apologize to people, excuse yourself, and shimmy on past them to reach the $4.99 smoked honey ham. Also a drag, when you’re accidentally walking side-by-side with some stranger at the mall, avoiding eye contact, and you realize they are blocking the entrance to Lane Bryant. Next time, act like you completely and wholly do not care about the ham or the stretchy, full coverage khakis, and either change directions, stop abruptly to look at some item that you do not need at all, or pretend to get a text. Then, once the person has passed, go for the gold! Awkwardness 101.

My relationship stats in the past 2 years:
2 relationships
3 total dates (including those had while in relationships)
89 failed connections (give or take)

Let’s just say, I’m in kind of a drought here. A single woman’s water isn’t just quantity of dates, it’s the quality. I’ve had sparks fly, interest lost, disappointment and rejection, pinings away, and a partridge in a pear tree. Not really much quality though. The ones I really like do not return my feelings. While the ones who really like me, do not possess all the qualities I need. There’s a lot of misfiring going on, as far as compatibility and chemistry. At 23 though, I’m not about to throw in the towel, lament the loss of love, and declare myself cynical and single forever. It’s just frustrating. If you’re single, you know how sad and lonely it is. The only thing we have is the contempt and sarcasm we harbor toward couples.

The funny thing is: couples don’t know we exist. Moreover, they don’t care. Even when I make fun of a couple to their face, they laugh it off. My bitterness is no match for their cutesy bullshit pet names and public displays of affection. The even funnier thing: I used to be one of those people. Two short years ago, I was in a relationship that had me goo-goo eyed and stupified. It’s annoying but I remember feeling high on love and retarded around him. I want that feeling without all the crazy side effects.

Misery Single Women Love Company

Alas, my crankiness and self-pity aren’t getting me any less single. As long as I take pride in my decisions, don’t settle, and feel confident in my current ambitions, I can hold my head high. Yeah, sure, there’s that. But I also would like to end the next couple of decades by eventually having someone that meets all my criteria. All the single ladies know what I’m talking about. Sure you’re confident and all that crap, but that doesn’t mean you don’t get lonely and aren’t looking for a relationship. So we come together and rant about how everyone else seemed to pair up.

So what can we do? There are endless sites full of dating advice–how to be cute, girlie, flirty, sexy, etc. There are a million magazines, whose cover headlines demand we know these 8 hot tips on how to please him in bed. There are online dating services, aimed at fulfilling our every fantasy (except they end in aggravation and disillusion). All of this stuff makes me feel inadequate, ugly, and lame. I’m not living up to society’s expectations! I don’t wear makeup. I don’t wear dresses. I don’t bat my eyelashes and pretend not to know what the shotgun formation is. I like who I am and what I’m doing. If that’s not enough, then I guess I’ll be single for awhile. I don’t want to settle just because of peer pressure.

Dare I Give You Hope?

We women wonder though what we did wrong. Did we seem too needy and desperate? Did we reveal too much? Did we not reveal enough? Are our manners atrocious? Or worse, is our wardrobe atrocious? Then there’s such obstacles as where to meet guys and how to be yourself, but how to be likeable, and what not to do, and what to definitely do and it’s all such a mindfuck. Can’t I just meet the perfect guy while getting my frap at Starbucks? A coy smile, a knowing glance, an intense first conversation. Does that even happen?

So we’re back to just bitching. I don’t have any real solutions, except the earth-shattering idea that maybe we’re not doing anything wrong. Maybe we just haven’t met the right “match”. Instead of beating ourselves up, we should just chalk it up as “not a good fit” and move on to someone else. Because somewhere out there is a guy you rejected who is going over and over in his mind what he might have done wrong, what wasn’t good enough for you. There’s that possibility or the fact that most men are huge jerks and women settle for them because they have their “sweet moments”. Well, shit. I’m out. I don’t want to settle at all. I want the whole package and I don’t care if I never get it. I’d rather chase the ideal forever than settle for second-rate.

More than likely, we won’t end up alone. We’ll finally find a great guy, it just takes a lot of time, a lot of patience, and a lot of screw-ups along the way. So fret not, my single ladies. Keep being yourself, focusing on your dreams and goals, and let the perfect man come to you.

And let me tell you something. It’s pure freaking evil.

I work a corporate job where I sit at a desk and get paid way more money than managers of retail establishments do. I work 40+ hours a week for this company’s goals, benchmarks, and bottom line. I’m giving them my blood, sweat, and tears for their product and their company vision. Sure, I get paid decently (relatively), sure I have benefits, but to what cost of my soul?

I want to pursue writing full-time and be an activist for child abuse victims. My dream is to be an established columnist and blogger while also campaigning for child abuse prevention and interaction in various ways. However, to do this, I must have a lot of free time on my hands. I need the time and energy to devote to these two passions, after also taking care of a toddler, going to school online, and having worked 9 hours in a day. To me, the least of these things to make me happy, and the first I consider giving up, is my job.

It’s not that I hate working in the insurance billing industry. It’s not that I just hate the confines of my stupid office while being forced to interact with co-workers who have no social skills. It’s not that my bosses have no idea what they’re doing and treat us like sweatshop workers. I simply have better things to care about. I have my own dreams and they do not involve rotting away in corporate hell while I’m being taxed to death,while health insurance premiums rise every year, while inflation increases, the cost of living goes up, too, wages barely, if at all, rises–all while I’m expected to pump out maximum efficiency and productivity with a smile on my face. Sorry, corporate America, but I have bigger fish to fry.

Yes, and while I’m doing that, I’m still going to need money. As liberating as it sounds to just let all my bills go to hell, there are certain necessities that will nag at you. Gas for your car, cell phone costs, internet bill, nutritional requirements for your 1 year old son. Although you could argue that a few of these things are overrated or unnecessary (didn’t I feed Alex last week?), you still can’t live without money. One could argue that you disappear to the woods. But what’s the point of sticking it to the man if you’re shacked up in the forest? The point is to stick it to the man so I can go do what I want.

It’s a catch-22: I want to be my own boss, but to be my own boss, I need money to sustain my lifestyle. To make money, I need a job. The job I want is to be my own boss. I feel trapped where I’m at. However, there are some alternatives…

Options are:

1. Saving up butt-tons of cash and then quitting to focus entirely on my dreams, living off that until I eventually strike gold.
2. Working part-time at some crappy job while drawing government assistance for the rest (nothing says stick it to the man like joining in on the fun).
3. Starting an in-home daycare or an eBay business
4. Becoming an actual prostitute instead of a metaphorical one

You’ve probably spotted a few obvious problems inherent in these proposed solutions, but I’ll enumerate them anyway.

1. It is a huge risk to live off saved money with absolutely no money coming in. It gives me the luxury of time, but the gamble is that I do not know when I’d have a satisfactory income. Realistically, it’ll be years, not months.
2. A part-time job would likely end up being a waitressing gig or a retail gig, neither of which would make me happy. Sure, I would have more time, but I would likely be more stressed. And that seems a little counterproductive. This option is not ruled out though if I found something like a receptionist job that only wanted a part-time worker.
3. An in-home daycare would need a home as a starting point. I don’t live in my own home, so I would need a partner. An eBay business is something I’ve revisited several times, but the investment of time and money (and inventory) up front would probably be more trouble than I’m willing to put into it. I’d have to get it going before quitting my job and I just don’t have the will to do that right now.

None of these options are completely off the table. I don’t know what I’m waiting for. I’m not getting any younger and things aren’t getting any easier. My best bet scenario would be to do something similar to my actual goal while also working on my writing, etc. I have been valiantly applying for freelance writing and blogging jobs, along with various other telecommuting/stay-at-home gigs. If I can’t persevere on my own personal fortitude, maybe I can piggyback on someone else’s coattails until I get myself going. At least I’d be out of the corporate web while building up my dreams.

So many options, still not enough time, plenty of dreams, and a deep-seated hatred of money. Just some things I’m thinking of. If anyone needs a business partner, let me know.

“Quitting Cold Turkey” – Hey! I happen to like cold turkey.

“Don’t do the crime, if you can’t do the time.” - Well, people don’t commit crimes because they don’t think they can do the time. They commit them because they think they can get away with it.

“It’s always darkest before the dawn.” - Sure, this means that it’s going to get worse before it gets better, or brighter days are just around the corner, but factually, it’s just as dark right before dawn as it is at any other time. Midnight, 2 AM, 4 AM–all the same amount of darkness.

“He’s in a better place now.” – If you want to comfort a grieving friend, don’t say this. It absolutely, 100% of the time does not help. A simple “I’m here for you” or “I love you so much” are appropriate.

“I’m so sorry for your loss.” – See above. It’s just overused, even if you’re being sincere. Say the same thing only differently, “My deepest sympathy to you and yours; may he rest in peace.” That’s a little better. Actually, it’s better to offer a meal or a hand around the house than words. A hug is nice, too.

“I could care less.” - Actually, you couldn’t. If you’re truly that apathetic, you are already at your lowest level of caring.

“Have a good day!” – Retail employees are admonished to say it, cordial co-workers feel obligated to say it, loved ones automatically say it. We all say it; but do we mean it? Even if you do, the weight of your intent is trumped by the triteness of your expression. Again, I do it, too. I have no solutions here.

“It’s plain to see.” – If one more poem or song uses this, I will simply have to kill someone. Although, what bearing does their ineffective word usage have on me? None. But words are all I have. Well, that and mac and cheese. God forbid we run out of mac or cheese.

“It takes one to know one.” – No, it just takes an intelligent, keen observer. Idiot.

“I was told” – This is less of a cliche and more of just an overused, annoying phrase that I hear a lot, especially at work (a la, “I was told we don’t do it like that anymore”). It takes the blame and responsibility off your shoulders by passively re-directing the source of your actions or thoughts. It makes it sound like someone else should be responsible for what you do or believe, which is totally inaccurate, as long as people still have capable minds and free will. Start taking responsibility, and stop saying that “you were told”.

“It goes without saying.” – Who has ever, EVER said this in the history of all mankind and language without still saying?

“I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I’m not.” – None of the people who quote this actually mean it. It’s usually insecure high school girls who are trying to justify the fact that some idiot guy ignores her. I’m just going to stop there because I could dissect this one for paragraphs.

“Good things come to those who wait.” – Not always. Usually, good things come to those who lie, cheat, and steal. But in the interest of being more positive: good things come to those who work hard. Mediocre things come to those who wait. Or nothing at all comes to those who wait.

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” – So, if my boss is being irrational or ignorant (let’s just say), I’m supposed to…go make lemonade? Oh, it’s a metaphor; I’m supposed to make the most of it. What if I were to get a different job? I guess that would be like taking the lemons and throwing them at your boss? I don’t know, I suck at making metaphors.

“Three’s a crowd” - I always thought that was a good thing. You know, “the more the merrier”. But whatever. I don’t exactly like a crowd, but if someone says to me, upon my joining their twosome, “three’s a crowd”, I’d be like, “alright, we’re set then!”

“Keep your nose to the grindstone.” – Ew. That sounds gruesome.

“A watched pot never boils.” – Well sure it does. Your triteness does not affect science. Come up with a better way to say “be patient” or “find something productive to do while you wait”. How about, “be patient” or “find something productive to do while you wait”? Should I re-phrase this in the form of another metaphor? I already told you I’m no good at them.

“Dead as a doornail.” – Alliteration aside, this is irrelevant because doornails are neither alive nor dead because they are inanimate objects. How about “dead as a dead person”? Oh, I guess that doesn’t have quite the same analogical component since you’re comparing death to death. Welp, I’ve got nothing then.

“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” – You’d actually just float in the continuum of space, but I see your point. Metaphorically though this is poor because if you’re desiring to become a doctor and you don’t make good enough grades, you’ll likely just end up in a nursing home wiping butts. Does that sound like the stars to you?

“Rules are made to be broken.” – If you’re an anarchist, you may be able to rationalize this one. Even if you’re just a rebellious teenager, you might say this to justify breaking into a teacher’s desk to get test answers. But anyone who actually makes rules does not want them to be broken.

“The bottom fell out.” - This is a poor euphemism for raining because, to us, the sky is the top. Would it not make just as much sense to say, “the top fell through”?

“You only live once.” – And what about those who believe in reincarnation? Do they say, “well, we’re gonna get a do-over if we screw this up”?

“The greatest thing since sliced bread.” – Oh, so nothing that has been invented since sliced bread is worthy enough to replace this expression? It’s been 100 years. I’m pretty sure we can move on.

“Winning isn’t everything.”/”It’s not who wins or loses, it’s how you play the game.” False. Winning is the entire point of playing. If you wanted to just exercise your skills, go practice. Hippie.

“Today is my Friday.” – Again, false. Today is your Thursday, just like everyone else; you just took Friday off. Is it not as exciting to say, “I’m off tomorrow!”? Sounds exciting to me.

“White in color.” – Describing any object by saying the color and then saying “in color” is completely pointless and incredibly stupid. You don’t sound smarter and you don’t sound more descriptive. “It’s a red 1999 Pontiac Sunfire.” Well, yes, red is a color, but I’m having trouble understanding if you mean that it’s red in color or in diameter. Please specify.

1. Max and Ruby’s parents are never around. Sure, their grandmother is sometimes, but generally, they run a-muck all by themselves. Also, Ruby has a tendency to be negative and discouraging to her little brother. Someone needs to parent her.

2.  The Backyardigans are legitimately cool. For the songs alone, this show is enjoyable for adults. Their version of the “12 Days of Christmas” was surprisingly amazing. And don’t try to crush my review by saying it’s autotuned and studio formulated. Of course it is! But it’s still wonderfully crafted.

3. How can Lenny of The Wonder Pets be a girl? I appreciate that this female character is the leader of the group and does not adhere to typical female stereotypes like wearing pink or being cutesy and girly, but at the same time, Lenny (the hamster) is a little butch. It’s sending confusing messages.

4.Team Umizoomi could probably get more done if they would stop screwing around. It seems that in every episode I see, the team stops so often to practice their math skills or learn shapes that they get critically sidetracked from their mission. It’s just bad time management skills. Umifail.

5. There is no one that could appear on Yo Gabba Gabba that would surprise me. I don’t care if it’s Mike Tyson or Charlie Sheen or the Pope. They’ve already had Jack Black, the Roots, and My Chemical Romance, to name a few. Guest starring is a good career move for anyone; everyone loves this show. Personally, I find all of the characters annoying (they are over the top and obnoxious), save for the one human, DJ Lance Rock. It takes a real secure black man to play a DJ on a kid’s show.

6. Without Steve, Blue’s Clues is straight crap. Steve was a total dork. But he was so genuine and so good at the role. Joe is just plain retarded. No offense out there. It’s just, I don’t believe him; I can tell he’s acting. And he’s being a condescending ass most of the time, not a true child-like, sincere person like Steve. By the way, Steve never overdosed on drugs or anything. He voluntarily quit in 2002.